Halloween

I know I'm a day late on this one...but I figured I'd let everyone get the Halloween out of their system before I voiced my opinions.

I hate Halloween.  I legitimately wish that it didn't exist.  For one, I just don't get the point of dressing up.  I don't ever enjoy that.  Two,  I don't really like candy.  Three, I don't think our society needs another reason to act like sluts and get drunk off their asses.  I just don't.

And then there is my general dislike for most holidays that comes from the fact that we don't actually celebrate anything other than ourselves most of the time.  I used to think we didn't set them apart as holy for worship or remembrance   But then I realized we do.  We set them apart to celebrate ourselves and "have fun".

I just don't think there is any valid reason for us to celebrate Halloween how we do.

But, perhaps there is a way to truly honor this holiday.  I follow a blog written by a funeral home director.  I started reading it this summer and find that it gives me a different, and needed, perspective on life.  He's doing a three day series on how many others in the world celebrate this holiday.  I read this post today.  In churches around the world they are taking the time to remember those in their lives who have died.  In remembering they are celebrating their lives and all that they brought to the world around them.  He challenged his readers to remember those in their lives who they've lost.  So today I will remember my Grandma Max.  She hasn't been gone long (she passed this May), but I miss her

This is Grandma on her first day as a resident of Maui. She moved there to live with my parents shortly before she passed.  She was so excited to live there!  Her favorite Christmas gift from my sister or I was a sunset calendar.  

Grandma loved to travel.  I'm pretty sure she's the reason I always knew there was more in the world than where I was from.  When I was little she traveled all over the world.  Africa, Israel, Russia, and so many other places I can't name them all.  My passion for the world started with her.  Thank you Grandma for introducing me to the world.  I don't know where I'd be today without that.  

She also loved to laugh and have a good time.  Whenever we would visit her we'd always play games.  And she could laugh at almost anything, including herself.  Thank you Grandma, for teaching me how to laugh at all times, because life is just too short to take so seriously. 

more than

(So it's been about a month since my last post.  More things have happened than I know what to do with.  Instead of explaining them all, I'm simply going to write this post as though you haven't missed a beat with what's going on in my life.  It's easier for me that way.) 

Friday was payday in my office.  Well, it was for everyone but me.  Somehow, payroll didn't get my time card. So, the first paycheck I was supposed to get since starting this job didn't come when it was supposed to.   It's been two months since I last received a paycheck.  Things are getting a little tight, to put it lightly.  

Do you want to know the most ridiculous part of this whole thing?  I asked for it. 

Back in the beginning of September I asked God to change me.  My prayer went something like this

God, I want to be more like you.  Use this upcoming year as a time of preparation to make me into the person you have created me to be.  Do whatever you have to.  long pause.  Even if it hurts.  I want to be ready, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, for the path you have me on in this next year. 

Guess what's happened to me since I asked God to do that.  

• My car broke down....like died, died, died.
• My computer crashed. 
• I lost my phone for a period of time. 
• I owe four people a total of more than $500.
• AND, I didn't get my paycheck.  

Why did I ever think it was a good idea to ask God for such a thing?  What was I thinking?  That is exactly the kind of prayer he is just WAITING for us to pray because he wants so desperately to do those kinds of things in us.  

For those of you who don't know what I need preparing for...here is the short version of my life plan for the next few years:

I want to go to a developing country and draw my livelihood from whatever community I am a part of.  The way I'm planning on  doing this is to teach English, a task which I am currently being certified for.  I will bring God with me because I love him so much that I can't help but make him a part of my life.    

Basically, this is what I figure God is telling me:  The people of the community you are going to be a part of live a different life than you currently do.  They live in a way you've never had to and can't really even begin to understand.  They don't have the ease and privilege of owning a car or a computer, let alone the ability to be choosy about which brand of those things they have.  Most, if not all, live inconsistent paycheck to inconsistent paycheck.  They probably owe someone money and can't afford to buy things because they want them.  They struggle to even buy the things they need.  Even though you feel like your life is more difficult than it ever has been, you are still among the wealthiest in the world.  You have more than they would ever dream of having.  

thoughts from my unemployed life

I'm waiting to hear about a job that I applied for.  Everything is going well, the office is just waiting to hear from HR on the official offer for my position.  I'm getting poorer by the minute...but I've had a lot of time on my hands to do other things.

1) Blogs have taken over my life.  Not only do I read about 20 different blogs now, but I write one.  More blog ideas come into my head the more I immerse myself in this blog community.  But I feel really lame, like I don't have a life if I post more than once a day.  So I don't.  But today I am.  I guess I'm lame today.

2) I've gotten to spend way more time with God than I ever have in the past.   Instead of being a rushed thing I do in the morning before I go to work after waking up late because I like sleep way to much, it's a casual time where I can just sit and meditate on what I've read.  I can actually think about what I've read instead of remember the "moral of the story" from sermon I heard on the same passage however long ago.  I've learned to trust better, to listen better, to rest better, and to see better.   It's fantastic and I love it.

3) Switchfoot is the music of my soul.  I know that sounds super cliche and many of you will have the "oh my gosh, she never moved on from the epitome of contemporary christian music that was only cool when we were in seventh grade" reaction, but it's true.  Now don't get me wrong, it's not my favorite band.  But I still really like them.  I have every album.  I would love to go to one of their concerts.  And I can always listen to them.  I think it has something to do with when I started listening to them.  In Junior High School.  They were there for me at such a formative time in my life that it will forever be the comfort food of my soul.  What you go for when you need something comfortable.

what you want

I found this on Pintrest the other day.  It inspired me to write a blog about life.  Originally it was gonna be about a boy.  But then I was afraid and didn't want to put that out in the world for everyone (including the boy) to see.  So I thought about this quote for a little bit.  And then got smacked in the face by God.

I've been reading a TON of new blogs lately and I found one today that inspired me.  It's called the Good Women Project.  I read way to many posts.  I sat on the computer for hours just reading.  But God used it to show me that I've been lying to myself.  I've gotten way to comfortable in my own skin.  No longer to see my faults as things that need to be worked on to better glorify God, but as character traits that I claim proudly.  That's bullshit.  God told me in the shower.  Where I tend to get a lot of good thinking in.

I realized I've forgotten what I really want from life.  What God has shown me he has for me.  My favorite attributes of God that inspire me to want to change the world.  Things like Justice.  Being a voice for the voiceless.  Educating people everywhere about what it means to be human so that they might learn to love the humanness that is each person and every person.

When I first read this quote I thought of a boy.  How lame.  When a boy is everything you want, you know something is wrong.  What happened to the days when all I really wanted from life was to glorify God with everything that I am?  Where did that person go?  I think it'll probably take sometime to really remember that passion and all that is, but I'm really excited about rekindling my love with the important things in life.

So thanks to Pintrest, and the GWP for reminding me that there is more to life than the boy I want, but can't have.

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What about you?  What came to your mind first reading this quote?  What do you wish had come to your mind first?  What is it that you can't stop fighting for?  What are you so passionate about that it inspires you to take action?

God can handle our mood swings

As my last post shares, I finished reading the book of Job recently, and it blew my mind.  I loved reading it with fresh eyes and seeing things I'd never seen before.

But finishing Job means moving onto another book.  And since I started (however long ago) with the reading plan of reading straight through the bible, cover to cover, the next book is Psalms.  Most people, when they think about reading the psalms, they get excited.  It's like this book is somehow better than all the rest in the bible.  I mean, Christian culture has selected it to be a part of the New Testament, basically. How many people do you know who carry around those little pocket bibles of the New Testament and Psalms.  We love this book.

Mostly though, it just annoy's me.  *Gasp in horror*  Granted I'm only six chapters in, but every one of them just makes me a little bit angry.  I've read them all before, and didn't have this reaction last time....so I don't know what's wrong with me now.

Let me explain.

Today I read Psalm 4, 5, and 6.
     Psalm 4:: Totally normal and something you would hear today.  Lord protect me, bring me peace, let your face shine upon me.  We say these things.
     Psalm 5:: What?  It'd be like if someone today prayed, God you hate evil and arrogance, so you should destroy these people over here.  They are evil.  Please, please kill them.    I know that there are people who pray things like this, but most of the Christian subculture would still look down on this ..... Um, hello?  Have you heard of grace?
     Psalm 6::  You just got whiplash from the change in attitude.  Oh God have mercy on me, for I am a horrible rotten human being.  I am in anguish and only your love can save me.  But you just said evil was supposed to be dealt with by way of destruction?  Multiple-Personality Disorder?

Okay, Okay.  I know that the psalmist didn't put these in the order we find them in our bibles.  And I know it could very well have been written by multiple people.  But the disjointedness and contradictory fashion with which these are arranged makes me angry.  It's like dealing with a high school drama queen who can't figure out how she feels about life.  My response to that kind of behavior is usually something like....GROW THE HELL UP!  That's what I've wanted to say to the psalmist these last two days.  What are you, a 15 year old girl?

But then I decided I should reflect on it a little bit, instead of just 

letting my critical first reaction be the only reaction I had.....

and, surprise, surprise, God showed me something. 

The spastic nature of the psalmist is the same spastic inclination of our hearts (or at least my heart).  We go through those same drastic mood swings in our hearts in reaction to whatever little possibly insignificant things happen every day.  The psalmist is just being honest about it with God.  And isn't that what he taught me while reading Job.  Be wholly honest with God about how you feel, that is what kept Job in the right through the whole book.  This is another example of someone being completely honest.

So, all the times I react like a 12 year old...it's okay.  Well, as long as those reactions are directed at God and not necessarily if they are directed at the people around me.  I can have extreme reactions, and even one's the people around me wouldn't approve of.  If I'm being honest about how I feel, God wants to hear it.

Counterfeit: Job (integrity)

I finished reading Job today.  It's the part where God speaks...and I read five chapters instead of the three that I normally read.  But I just couldn't stop in the middle of God's speech.  It was too compelling.  I wanted answers.

God finally talks to Job.  But he doesn't answer any of the questions Job asks.  Basically God calls him out and says, "Who do you think you are?  I'm God.  I know what I'm doing.  And I'm allowed to do as I please, even if it doesn't fit into your little system of understanding the world."  There didn't appear to be a lot compassion for Job's situation.  It was a big fat SUCK IT UP and DEAL WITH IT.  And do you know how Job responds?  And this part blows my mind:: "Okay.  I'm sorry.  You are right."  No sarcasm (which is how I would have said it).  No more questions.  Pure, sincere acceptance of that answer. 

WHAT?!?!?!?! 

Who is this guy?  Who responds like that?  I mean, I know it's God telling him this and all, but I know I wouldn't respond like that.  I would want real, solid, concrete answers for why everything in my life was taken from me.  Props to Job, that's for sure.  We should probably all learn to be a little bit more like him.  

After I realized what had just happened....I stopped and thought about
what I had just read.  My mind made a slight change of topics.  

When you hear the story of Job retold in church it becomes this black-and-white-Job-was-right-and-didn't-sin-and-his-friends-were-incredibly-stupid-and-wrong thing.  Moral of the story:: Don't be like the friends, be like Job.  And while the moral of the story is still relevant, the way the story is told is wrong.  The whole Job didn't sin through the whole process doesn't hold up.  I mean, God rebuked Job.  And you can't really be rebuked unless you did something wrong.  Thus...Job did something wrong.  #logicforthewin.  I'm not quite sure what he did wrong, that isn't perfectly clear.  But he sure as hell was rebuked.  Read Job 38-41.  I promise.

BUT, he maintained his integrity.  Who knew you could, in the same situation, sin and maintain your integrity?  I sure didn't.  So I looked up integrity.  Dictionary.com, wikipedia.com, and biblos.com all have one thing in common when describing this trait:: honesty, wholeness.  Job maintained his integrity because he was honest about what he saw and what he knew of God.  He didn't try to change things in order for them to make sense.  Instead he asked God to explain it.  

I'm not entirely sure what the moral of the story is.  Sure, be like Job.  But, you're still gonna get rebuked.  Integrity doesn't mean being perfect.  So you may have more integrity than anyone else you know, but you're still not gonna measure up to what God requires.  Deal with it.  

(I couldn't resist this picture.  I'm not quite sure what the caption says, but Mufasa is definitely what I think of when I think of integrity.  Don't you?)

Counterfeit: Job (mind blown)

So, here's the thing. The whole blogging thing is obviously not my strong suit. I'm just not consistent, or faithful. Kind of like my relationship with God sometimes. After an unfaithful spell with my bible, I got back on the horse. I've been reading...just not blogging about it.

To be entirely honest, I felt a little bit convicted about the harshness of my first two posts in this series. I kind of bashed the church a little bit and felt bad about it. Sorry about that. I know what I did. That's one of the reasons I stopped blogging, even though I was reading. Needed to refocus a bit.

But I have been reading. Today I read Job 35-37. This book has been blowing my mind. I've read it before. I've even studied it in class. But this time around....man, good stuff.


Back to Job.

A lot of times in the book of Job, his friends get a really bad rep. Everyone who's ever heard anything about the book assumes that they are giving bad advice and are just horribly wrong in everything they say. But guess what?!?!?! A lot of what they say is a story version of what's in Psalms and Proverbs. It's pretty nuts. After taking a class on Hebrew Poetical and Wisdom Literature (bible college shout out!) I realized that they weren't completely off the deep end. They were using the accepted wisdom of their time, their understanding of God, to try to explain the situation.

How often do we do that? I know I use the accepted wisdom of today to explain away why bad things happen. Phrases like "Everything happens for a reason." Or "God works everything out for the good." Sure, great phrases that encourage....but have we ever stopped to think that maybe we are horribly wrong in how we apply those? I mean...that's what happened to Job's friends.

Sure, as readers of the story we knew that God had something going in the background that none of the characters knew about. God was testing Job. That was a concept they didn't understand at that time. If something was going wrong in your life, it was a sin issue. No questions asked. That was it. So when Job started questioning it....they went a little nutso. They didn't know what else to say to him.

I guess I just can't help but take this as a warning not to rely to much on the way we, as Christians, tend to explain situations we don't completely understand. I know I don't want to end up like Job's friends. I don't want to look like the fool.

So just be careful. Sometimes things aren't as simple as they seem. Sometimes we have to ask God what's going on. And then when he answers...all he's gonna say is "I'm God. Trust me."

Counterfeit: Job 4-5 (religion)

So, Job's friend Eliphaz decides to talk to Job. I can't really figure out what his goal was. Was he trying to comfort him? Or was he trying to belittle him? It's such a close line between the two I get confused sometimes.

Anyways..the verses that caught my eye:

4:6 Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope?

(This would be considered complete blasphemy today, which is probably why we demonize Job's friends throughout the entire book, always discounting their advice, even though it's actually a narrative version of any of the wisdom you would find in Proverbs.)

5:8 But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.

(I know this is super cliche, but sometimes I can't help it. Amidst everything, no matter what the situation, this is always a good plan. Lay all that you have before him: your hopes and dreams, your fears, your disappointments. When we truly do surrender all that we are, we end up on the other side ruined for what I've dubbed 'cultural christianity'.)

5:18 For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.

(So often people look at this verse and focus on the second part of each phrase. People want to be reminded of how good God is to us, he will always be there for us. But I think it is a fatal error to miss the beginnings of these phrases. He wounds. He injures. Life is not going to be rainbows and butterflies because God is going to hurt us. Shoot, he forsook his own son while he was on the cross. Why do we forget that God will test our faith and put us through hard times to see how much we truly love and trust him.)

Overall, Eliphaz's response was to be expected. Remember what your religion has taught you. As much as we would like to say that in times of trouble we look to the Bible for an explanation, we don't. We look to all that 'cultural christianity' has taught us. We do the same thing as Eliphaz did to Job.

We quote Bible verses like Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Or Philippians 1:6, "he who began a good work will carry it on to completion". Personally, those verses, used in this way, tend to make me gag. I hate the way we throw verses around as a way to avoid (or really ignore) suffering. They probably don't actually apply to the situation and do very little to make people feel better.

Might I suggest a different way?

Why don't we sit with people in their suffering? Acknowledge the suckiness of life and recognize there is no way we can fix it. And cliche bible verses don't make it better. Instead, be with people when they are in pain. I know it makes us super uncomfortable because so much of the American mindset is to avoid pain at all costs. But stop trying to offer the light at the end of the tunnel. Stop trying to point people to the hope that God's Word promises and instead be the hands and feet of Jesus in comforting through your presence. Instead of quoting a bible verse and running away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable because you can't fix it, be uncomfortable so that you can be with the person you care about. That shows God's love so much more than a few words could ever do.

I know I don't have any concrete bible verses to back this up...but it seems to be what I've seen expressed throughout the bible as a whole, not in any one particular verse. When you come into a situation that requires wisdom, don't remember what your religion has taught you. Don't quote some cliche bible verse out of context. Look to the character of God as portrayed in the bible. Don't rely on your religion to have the answers to all your problems. Your God will always be there, but sometimes he lets you suffer and simply says, "I love you."

Conclusion: God. Always go back to God. Always.

Counterfeit: Job 1-3 (life sucks sometimes)

So, I was a little further along in Job but I decided to start over 1)because I got a new bible, 2)because I started a new blog, and 3)because I'd been in job for like a month and I'd only read 9 chapters. Starting everything together makes me happy, it's all nice, even, and organized (can you see my slight OCD coming out yet?)

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time, so it's gonna be a quick post, which is fine since this is my first one anyway.

I read Job 1-3 this morning, and man does it suck. I mean, everything gets taken away from him. All of his wealth, his children, everything gone! And then his wife goes and tells him to curse God and die. What a great wife. In chapter 3 he then curses the day he was born and wishes that he never had been.

The classic Christian response to this kind of passage would be "Man, my life really doesn't look that bad in comparison to Job's. I should really be grateful for all that God has blessed me with. And then I'll go ahead an quote the infamous verse "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." or "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" You learn to endure through the hardship, knowing it could be worse, and then blame Satan for being so horrible.

Well, that's all nice and dandy, but it's not quite what I got it from it this time. Reading about Job's horrible life made all the bad stuff in my life seem so much worse. Suddenly, everything in my life was pure shit. My lack of boyfriend, my crazy roommates, the distance between me and God: mylifesucks!

But it's okay that my life sucks. It does that sometimes. I think if it's okay for Job to curse the day that he was born and wish that it had never happened, it's okay for me to do the same. I can look at my life and not be super please with it. It's okay to have a bad day and really hate life. There is no need to put some "everything will work out in the end" spin onto a crappy situation. Let me be freaking pissed at the world for a day. Emotions are healthy.

Wait...what?

So, I've grown a bit complacent in my walk with God. I still go to church and and pray sometimes, but it's been a while since I last read the word. It's just gotten a bit repetitive for me. I've read it so many times before that it's hard for me to find anything new in it. *Gasp* How dare a devoted Christian grow tired of the scriptures! It is a living word that meets us right where we are each time we open it! Ya, ya, ya, but I'm broken and in a place that only sees what I've been taught or learned last time I read it. Not anything that inspires me or teaches me or guides me.

Anyway, in an effort to do more than just read (because it so often proves fruitless) I'm going to try reflecting about what I've read, right here! I'm kind of excited, slightly anxious. I sometimes feel like if I can't do it perfectly (and everyday) that it's not worth doing. But I know that's not the case. I'm also planning on being ridiculously honest, more honest than I've ever been about anything on the internet. People I know might see me differently. Oh well. It doesn't really matter.

I've been slightly inspired by this girl and this one. They're pretty cool. They are who they are, serving Jesus all the while. They don't conform to "industry standards" of what a Christian should be like. But they love God and it comes through in what they write. I hope to be like them a little bit.

We'll see how this goes.

I wanted to come up with a cool name for these little posts, something in the title to tell you it's gonna be about the Bible and not something else. I started with the term reflect, well, because that's what I'm doing. I want to reflect on what I've read. But I have this bias against anything remotely Christian-ese, I just can't handle it. So, I looked it up in an online theaurus (hooray for being a college graduate and knowing how to make myself sound smart!).

After clicking around a bit, I came to the word counterfeit. I know it has this harsh, really unChristian connotation, but thats what I like about it. My reflections are counterfeit representations of what the word really says. And I'm trying to pass them off as real, as life changing. I'm sure I'll be changed in the process, but I won't notice it. I'll probably still feel like a fake, masquerading as an insightful person who's writing things worth reading. ;-)

So, let the journey begin and we shall see where it takes me!

Emotionally Lying

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. Most of them are by peoople I know who are adventuring abroad or embarking on big life plans. But some are by people I don't know. Most of these are by Christians, but a few are not.

As I read them, I find that Christian writers tend to frustrate me. Not all the time. But there are certain ones that feel fake, or forced. As I read them, I feel as though the writer has this obligation to make it happy, inspiring, or to give it the "everything works out in the end" spin. That kind of mentality makes me angry. It frustrates me, a lot.

But it got me thinking. Why do some Christians feel the need to put a positive spin on everything? It's like they can't let themselves be angry or frustrated, as if those are somehow 'bad' emotions. I think being honest about how life sucks sometimes is way healthier and understandable than putting a positive spine on everything! I know it's them trying not to dwell on the bad mood, or trying to find a way out of a dark place. But I think it's just as important to recognize the dark place for what it is. We are humans, we go through tough times. Stop feeling and seeing the world how you think you are supposed to see it and just be honest about what it is for you in the moment you are in it!

Psalm 119:33-48

Though my eyes and my time

are devoted to worthless things

You, O Lord, are still with me.

You have preserved my life

according to your word.

Devote me to yourself

and I will walk in freedom,

doing things that are worthwhile.

And then I will not be afraid.

For in your word there is no shame.

It is cast out by your love

Which is perfect and unfailing.

Lord protect me in that place,

and there I will delight.

Senior Pictures!!!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Alicia Nelson, you are amazing and I love you! Kudos for making me look so good! I know I didn't make it easy being all awkward and what not.

Igniting the Soul

Last night I had the most amazing time!

Right after my 3 hour class got out at 7, I went to a screening of "Tony", the most recent Invisible Children movie that the Roadies are currently touring with. I was in the lounge of a freshman dorm, a place I hadn't been in 3 years. The room was full of people I didn't know. I was a little uncomfortable, but so excited to see the new story.

Tony has an amazing story. I won't recount it all here (go to a screening near you for the story!), but suffice it to say it was just what I needed. A story. It's been a while since I've heard a story about someone who was oppressed. Those are the stories that inspire me. That move me to action. Those are the stories that ignite my soul.

After the movie, I got to talking with one of the Roadies, Elissa. She just graduated from college and has dedicated 4 months of her life to ending a war in Uganda. She inspires me. After they packed up and loaded their van, a few of us from the screen went to Starbucks with them to keep chatting before they started their hour long drive into LA where they are staying. It was so great to talk to Elissa and get to know her and some of the other APU peeps that came along too. Elissa was so encouraging and it did wonders for my soul to talk to someone with the same passions and desire for social justice as I have.

But here's where you come in! After the video about Tony, they showed a video about How I can help out! Now, I'm already a TRI member, a monthly support. But Invisible Children has started a new campaign. Maybe you've heard about some of the ones they've done in the past. In 2009 they staged the Rescue. But their new campaign is called 25. (Follow the link to get info on it). If you want to see how I'm involved check out my 25 profile page. :)

To say this experience was rejuvenating is definitely an understatement. It had been so long since I'd really gotten to know anyone new. I really like people more than I realized recently. Plus it reminded me of all the people and stories that inspire me to seek the "justice and righteousness" (or what we would call social justice) of God found throughout the Bible.

Plus, it makes me even more excited about the application I have to be a summer intern with Invisible Children. Eek!

Waste Your Life

This guy I know (well, kind of, he speaks at APU stuff a lot, but I don't actually know him) named Andrew Gaines said once, "Waste your life getting to know God, doing what he was doing, and praying what he was praying." When I first heard it, I liked it, but I wouldn't have been able to tell you exactly what it meant, aside from the obvious implications. I couldn't have really articulated why he called it a "waste".

It was almost a year ago that I heard him say that, and I think I'm finally starting to understand what he meant.

As I make my way through this semester, I feel bogged down by all that is expected of me. Graduate, do well in your classes, make something of yourself, have a job, maintain relationships with people all over the country and with the new and old friends you have here in Azusa. Too many things to keep track of, if you ask me. The tough part is that, while all of these things are good, and mostly necessary, they leave very little time for what I would much rather be doing: seeking God, spending hours upon hours in his word, listening to him, talking with him, talking about him. I'd so much rather be using all my time to seek him.

I want to "waste" my life on Jesus. Sure, all these things are important for me in order to do what I want to do in the world. But what good is that if I don't really know God? Don't get me wrong, I know God, I have a relationship with him, but I'm no longer satisfied with the shallowness of it. I want to dive so deeply into the character of God that I get lost in the world. That it appears as though I'm "wasting" my life on this Christian thing.

But I don't know how to reconcile what I have to do in order to be effective in what God has called me to (finishing college, for starters) with what I desperate want to do (seeking God above all else without feeling obligated to do other things, i.e. homework).

It's a dilemma I have no idea how to solve.

What's really exciting though, is this new series my church just started. We are going through the book of Hosea. I was so excited before it even started, and I'm ecstatic after the first week. If any of you have read Redeeming Love, it's that kind of radical love story. I think God is going to teach me what it means for him to be my lover through this series. An intimate, passionate love that I haven't really experienced yet. I'm excited.

I'm pretty sure it will only fuel my desire to waste my life on Jesus.

Unanswerable Questions

In trying to help Africa, have we merely imposed our identity on them? We say we are trying to lift them out of poverty, but why have we made poverty the enemy? Why is our way of life preferable to theirs? Perhaps it is us who needs to be taking notes from them.

I know the different arguments, the different things we have to offer them: the value of the individual, longer life through medicine, food security, education. No one in western culture ever questions the value of these things because they are so ingrained us as things to value and promote. But why? Have we merely lost sight of the value of the alternative: the value of the corporate body, embracing death (even at a young age) as a natural and good part of life.

Perhaps our desire to impose our culture and standard of living on the rest of the world is us trying to justify that standard of living. A basic capitalistic principle is that an economy can grow, and everyone benefits from it. We are trying to grow it so much that our ways no longer seem exorbitant. Everyone can and should live as we do right? It’s what’s best for everyone, we say.

Well, I’m not buying it. So many of the things we assume are just that, assumptions. I’m waiting for someone to show me real justification for all the work we do abroad in developing countries from a biblical, scholarly perspective. Not one that says “Hey, these are good things I value, where can I find them in the Bible?” With that as the starting point, you can find anything you want. But what I really want to know is can a Bible scholar with no agenda come to our conclusions about development on his own.

Honestly, I don’t know if we will ever know. Scholars of the Bible will always have a culture they are assimilated to. They will hold values and ideas necessary to exist within that culture, and they won’t be able to see a world without it.

Disclaimer: These are my questions, my doubts. I still want to do what is called development work. To inspire people to be as good as they can be. But I can’t help but think of all the questions I can’t answer and haven’t ever heard anyone else try to answer.