But I wanted to clue you in a little on what I'm learning and what's going on in my head.
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So, we talk an awful lot about the Kingdom of God in our program. Mostly about how the Kingdom has to with so much more than just the spiritual dimension of our lives (like most American's see it) but has to do with economics, politics, and every aspect of life, personal and civic. We can't relegate the kingdom just to our souls. God wants to do so much more in the world than save souls. He wants to bring abundant life to all in everything!!
It's weird though, because I find that I still use the same vocabulary that I did before, but the words have completely altered definitions now. While each word still means what it used to mean, it also means SO much more. Sermons on Sunday's now have a totally different dimension to them. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand the Bible in it's entirety.
But then sometimes I also wonder if this program is over correcting. Are we focusing too much on the economic and social justice aspects of the word of God because we have neglected it for so long? I don't know the answer to that. And we aren't dismissing the spiritual aspects of it; in fact, it's a key element. But sometimes I feel a little bit crazy, because no one else seems to understand these new definitions (except for my classmates, haha).
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Another thing that's been on my mind lately is how I don't have a concise way of explaining why I'm in this program. Why I'm moving abroad to live among the poor for two years. Really, the only simple way I have of explaining it is that God called me there, so I have to go. But that doesn't make sense, it doesn't resonate with people. As people ask me about the program, I want to have a way to answer that doesn't feel so rehearsed and like an advertisement for the program. Not that I don't love it, but whenever I answer it, I just don't feel genuine. But my authentic answer would probably take an hour, and nobody really wants to listen to me talk for that long.
We've been talking recently about the way that many of the people of the bible were so moved by what they saw that they responded emotionally. They wept, fasted, wore sackcloth and put ashes on their head. I'm realizing that nothing has ever moved me so dramatically. My passions rarely flow that deep. While injustice hurts my heart, it doesn't move me to tears.
Part of me wonders if it's me not wanting to make any waves with people. I don't want to offend their understanding of the world, so I don't proclaim God's truth with any sort of authority. I generally try to understand the point of view that everyone is coming from. But at what point, I wonder, does that become a problem?
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We talk A LOT about fundraising. Or, at least it feels like we talk about it a lot. And it's a good thing we do. Because my temptation is to just pay for everything with loans and not let anyone help me, not even God. But that's not what God has asked me to do. Having decided on going to Brazil, that means living expenses will be more than I had anticipated. Which means, if I'm really doing this fundraising thing, I have to raise more money.
But more importantly, I have to garner prayer supporters. I know this sounds weird. Of course people will pray for you. See, though, I still seem to have this issue with asking people to care about me. I haven't quite figured out the root of it (let's be honest, it's some combination of not trusting God to raise a support around me and feelings of worthlessnes mixed together....I just don't want to admit it), but I'm working on naming the issue so I can deal with it head on. But I've had some pretty fun ideas that I just have to do something about. It's that doing part that I often seem to have trouble with.
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Next week is the official middle of the semester. It's crazy how fast this is all going by. But I finally feel like I'm doing something. My mind has transitioned from wanting clarity about all the little details to feeling ready to get started on some of the bigger projects. The project that involves working with a local church has finally started to take off and become something. Most of the time I would rather be doing research on Brazil than any other kind of homework.
But I've realized that my personal excitement about these things has caused me to pray about them less. Which is super no bueno. But at least I realize that, so I can attempt to be more intentional about praying more often.
Sorry for the crazy fast update, but there was just too much going on in my head that I wanted to share.
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