the big picture

So, I've been struggling a lot lately with where God has called me.  About a month ago I was in a place that left me feeling completely incapable of helping the urban poor. I have no practical skills to help people in poverty.  None.  And that really unsettled me. I wanted to go abroad knowing that I had something tangible to offer.  But I don't.  I was afraid of failing to help the urban poor.  After several weeks of wrestling with God, I realized what I do have to offer....Jesus. Duh.  That is more valuable than anything else I could possibly bring to the fight to establish kingdom shalom among the urban poor.

As soon as I got that figured out, I got hit with another train wreck. You see this past year has been one of new friendships that have brought me true community.  I've gotten really connected my church body, and I've realized how much I love them all.  I thought to myself, "Why do want to leave a place that already fulfills you and brings you life?"  I've been struggling with this for a few weeks now. And then I figured out what was really going on inside me.  I was afraid of being alone. Of losing all the intimate relationships I'd formed.  Of not having people around me who I trusted with the deepest things in my heart, and who knew exactly how to encourage me. I was afraid of only having Jesus to be intimate with. But again...God has spoken to me in the midst of my fear. He has said, over and over again, "Be with me."  Just be.  To come to him and just sit in his presence, without an agenda, not looking for answers, but simply to delight in his presence. To have that be enough.

A couple months ago I heard a phrase that kind of characterizes this process I've been going through.

You can't steer a ship that's not moving.

Two months ago, before I was accepted to this Master's program, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these were things I was afraid of. I thought I had dealt with them years ago, had them all figured out and wrapped up in pretty packages.  But once I really started moving towards what God had laid out before me, I realized just how incapable and afraid I am; how much this plan isn't about or because of me...but entirely about and because of who God is. 

the picture that is bigger than my fears is God and his plan. I'm just a minuscule part of how he's accomplishing his plan.  

Easter Musings

It's Easter weekend.  This is the day that Christ laid dead in a tomb in Jerusalem.  Some Bible scholars will say he descended into hell on this day to share the good news with those who were there.  I'm not really sure what I think about that, but the idea always intrigues me. 

To be honest, I really dislike holidays.  Not so much the meaning of the holidays, but how we celebrate them.  We don't make them holy days.  What we end up celebrating and setting apart is always ourselves.  We get a day off to relax, to do things that are good for ourselves.  What we do with religious holidays especially bothers me.  

This year, though, I'm slightly less offended by Easter.  I think it has something to do with being a part of a body that does Easter in a way that makes sense to me.  It's not about family.  It's not about a meal.  It's not just an opportunity to have a big event of a Sunday service.  It's about the Cross.  It's about all that Jesus' life, death, and resurrection means for humanity. 

They've set the day apart by praying for it like I've never seen a body do before. By realizing the magnitude of what was accomplished on that day and knowing that the plans they have are truly the plans God has for them. Having prayed more for this Easter than I have ever prayed for any other Easter in my life, I'm so excited and invested in what will happen, not just at my church, but at churches throughout the city and around the world.  

Prayer really does change my heart.  It makes me love better.  It gives me God's eyes for the person/situation/event.  I'm convinced it touches the way things happens and truly affects the world.

So this Easter, I will celebrate it. Without cynicism and pride. Covered in prayer. Convinced and humbled by the work done on the cross (that I all too often forget the importance of).