Being Lost

Hello internet world! I know it's been several weeks since I last wrote anything. Believe me, I started, didn't finish, and then deleted several posts in that time. You see, I just didn't know what to write. I knew something was wrong, something was missing, but I didn't know what. But it kept me from really living life. I guess maybe you could call it a very mild time of depression, which had no real logical explanation. I'm gonna go ahead and say that the chemicals in my body forgot how to be normal.

I didn't know what to write. 

I didn't know what to do. 

I didn't know what to pray. 

I didn't know how to process life.

I just didn't know anything. 

So I slept in a lot. I spent several days in my house without leaving. I read an entire young adult fantasy book series. Let's be honest, I probably ate too much. I didn't want to see anyone. When I tried to read my bible, I felt further from God than I have in a while. My soul had become like a small child scrambling around grasping for something, anything, that made sense.

But then I went to church this morning. And while the pastor was talking I started to write out a prayer, a common practice for me. I just started declaring who God was back to him. Things that he's told me he is through scripture.

And then I remembered a class session last semester as I and many other prepared to move to another country. We were talking about spirituality. What does spirituality look like in the face of hard realities? Like the person who takes care of an invalid for their entire life? For the mom whose child commits suicide? Big, huge, hard questions.

The only answer I ever had was to remember the promise of God, continually go back to who God is. Because that is the only thing that is constant, no behavior norms, no feelings, no pastor or church, no christian living book  can speak to every situation. But the person of God can. The triune, father, son and holy spirit, God can. The creator of the universe. The one who gives us the same power that raised Christ from the dead. This God, he speaks intimately to the hearts of all, if only we would listen. His promises are true for all time, even if our understandings of them change over time.

So, in an effort to not feel so lost or purposeless in reading my bible, I'm going to read to find the promises of God and the character of God. Who is he? What does that mean for me? I'm excited to see what happens with this. You will likely get some blog posts about what I find.

What I [Unintentionally] Gave Up For Lent

I've been contemplating this last six weeks a bit. I read some super meaningful quote the other day that reminded me how we often need to reflect on our experiences in order to actually learn something from them. So I decided to reflect on Lent this year.

At the start of Lent, I figured I'd given up enough already (what, with moving to another country and all...language, culture, friends, etc), so I thought I would add something. I bought two books to journey with. One a daily bible study around the teachings of St. Francis of Assisi  (bible reading, quote from St. Francis , accompanying thoughts and a prayer) the other a book of daily readings for those who are not accustomed to the Lenten season. I didn't exactly know where I was at the start of the season, or what I needed, so I went for both. They were wonderful books, and a source of great encouragement and comfort at times through the process. But I'm realizing I lost something else. Something I couldn't have chosen to give up.

I stopped remembering. 

Not in the little day to day things, like brushing my teeth. Or even in the slightly bigger things like remembering the language I was/am learning. But I forgot to remember all that I knew to be true. Things about God. About my passions. About all that gives me life.  In the midst of forgetting truth, I lost so much comfort and hope (though there was an undeniable, though strange, sense of peace). I forgot how to set boundaries on my time. I forgot how to be me for while.

Whether it was the newness of moving into the community (which happened just two days after Ash Wednesday), my desire to really understand and experience the season of preparation which is Lent, or something else entirely that I am still unaware of, I do not know. I likely never will.

But what I do know, is that this seems to feel appropriate. Lent is a season of preparation, of sacrifice, or dying to self. This happened to me, however unintentionally. However, I am excited about the next season. Though many don't realize it, on the traditional church calendar the Easter celebration lasts for five weeks. We are supposed to celebrate for five weeks. It mirrors the 40 days Jesus remained on earth with his disciples after his resurrection. Being with Jesus should make us celebrate for five whole weks.

And the last few days have been filled with a renewed spirit. I found myself unable to fall asleep the other night as my head was flooded with ideas for my time here, for my church back in LA, for future dreams of jobs and possibilities.

I'd forgotten just how crucial true community is in the ongoing part of redemption. I couldn't help but think of new possibilities for creating and fostering community here, alongside believers. 

I forgot just how much I love the body of Christ, his Holy Church. I couldn't help but imagine ways of helping churches in LA focus on the redemption of place in the city. 

I forgot how much I yearn to equip people. But ideas for classes and an actual desire to create biblical curriculum flooded my mind and soul. 

I'd forgotten just how much I loved to learn things, especially theology. I couldn't displace the list of books about theology that I'd found on the site of a blogger I love for how he challenges me to think better. 

The refreshing and rejuvenating sense of life was found.  Which is the same grace of God to the world on Easter. We were dead to sin. Without hope. On that fateful morning, we were given life again.