Being Lost

Hello internet world! I know it's been several weeks since I last wrote anything. Believe me, I started, didn't finish, and then deleted several posts in that time. You see, I just didn't know what to write. I knew something was wrong, something was missing, but I didn't know what. But it kept me from really living life. I guess maybe you could call it a very mild time of depression, which had no real logical explanation. I'm gonna go ahead and say that the chemicals in my body forgot how to be normal.

I didn't know what to write. 

I didn't know what to do. 

I didn't know what to pray. 

I didn't know how to process life.

I just didn't know anything. 

So I slept in a lot. I spent several days in my house without leaving. I read an entire young adult fantasy book series. Let's be honest, I probably ate too much. I didn't want to see anyone. When I tried to read my bible, I felt further from God than I have in a while. My soul had become like a small child scrambling around grasping for something, anything, that made sense.

But then I went to church this morning. And while the pastor was talking I started to write out a prayer, a common practice for me. I just started declaring who God was back to him. Things that he's told me he is through scripture.

And then I remembered a class session last semester as I and many other prepared to move to another country. We were talking about spirituality. What does spirituality look like in the face of hard realities? Like the person who takes care of an invalid for their entire life? For the mom whose child commits suicide? Big, huge, hard questions.

The only answer I ever had was to remember the promise of God, continually go back to who God is. Because that is the only thing that is constant, no behavior norms, no feelings, no pastor or church, no christian living book  can speak to every situation. But the person of God can. The triune, father, son and holy spirit, God can. The creator of the universe. The one who gives us the same power that raised Christ from the dead. This God, he speaks intimately to the hearts of all, if only we would listen. His promises are true for all time, even if our understandings of them change over time.

So, in an effort to not feel so lost or purposeless in reading my bible, I'm going to read to find the promises of God and the character of God. Who is he? What does that mean for me? I'm excited to see what happens with this. You will likely get some blog posts about what I find.