Sorry I kind of went MIA there for a while guys. It's been a busy month and a really rough month emotionally. I've been told by those who have done this before that this stage is normal. You get to the point where you've learned enough about the culture not to like it, and you likely haven't developed the kinds of relationships that make it worth it. So you get bitter. And you don't know what do with yourself. And you feel like a failure for feeling that way. And should missionaries always be filled with love and joy and God's light? Nope. We're still human too. Which means we have crappy days where we don't feel like getting out of bed in the mornings. Struggle with me as we go, will you?
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I think this blog will mostly take a different shape soon. Instead of thoughtful posts, with ideas that have been all fleshed out, I'll likely be asking more questions. Putting forth thoughts that are brought to mind by the world around me. Some of them may not be things you agree with. Some of them might make you uncomfortable.
But what I'm learning, now more than ever, is that SO MANY of our conceptions about God really aren't accurate. We've made God in our image. So this is me trying to give him back his immense-ness, his incomprehensible-ness by saying that I don't know and what if this other way that we've completely missed is actually the way it is. Instead of immediately reacting to the ways I may offend all the things you've always held as true, stop to really consider it. Stop long enough to realize that maybe we've understood God completely wrong. It's not that God is wrong, just that we've missed the point in understanding the messages he left for us throughout history.
Looking forward to your thoughts and questions. I know one of your favorite blogs is "Jaime the Very Worst Missionary," so hopefully you've read her enough to know that the "best" sort of missionaries are the "real" ones- the ones who can feel like failures. Of course you aren't what you feel in that regard- and remember that the fact that you've put yourself out there puts you way ahead of most of the population. Not "ahead" as in "brownie points with God", but "ahead" in the sense of experiencing things others haven't and know nothing about. You have proven yourself a risk-taker rather by even being where you are- so I stand up and applaud and cheer for you- and know that almost all who know and love you are probably doing the exact same thing. You are precious and courageous. You are loved!
ReplyDeleteLove this. Love seeing your journey evolve, and can't wait to see what God teaches you from this season of growing pains and somewhat painful questions. Lean into Him and be real with Him. And be real with us, we're here to walk with you through everything, not just polished posts and eloquent stories. We want to hear it all, we want to journey with you through the mud and mess AND BEAUTY of REAL life! :)
ReplyDeleteOh Kim, you have no idea of how I feel about you guys and your pain... I just wanna go there and hold you like I do when my son is suffering... but suffering is the way... for us Christians, right?... it hurts, it's painful... It's like taking swimming classes when you kinda know already how to swimming... it takes your breath, it's so much pain in your muscles... at the end, you are so tired and you are sure that you don't wanna do that anymore... next class you are right there... ready to feel all those bad things... but then, you have learned how to swim, you have learned something that it's not for everybody... you're there for one reason that sometimes only God really knows... to save one life for Him! Love and prays... Jana
ReplyDeleteKim. I love you. You are kind. You are smart. You are important. To all of us. God is doing some amazing things already, he's turning your perceptions on their head and I can't wait to learn more from YOU! Tell me. Teach me. I want to learn. Tell me what I've been missing and where I got it wrong. I want to know.
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