Conversations With Ourselves

Conversations with Ourselves is a series of posts on Preston Yancey's blog in which the author addresses the Past Self through the Present or vice versa (or sometimes totally not this, but something equally cool) concerning matters of Faith, specifically. 

Today I take part in this exploration, and remind myself of a few things I seem to have forgotten.

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I'm visiting my parents, back home for a month before I start the life after college. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even know if I'll have a job when I go back to LA.  But here I am, sitting on my favorite beach in my favorite place, trying desperately to think of nothing other than the sound of the crashing waves.

I barely even notice her as she walks up and sits beside me. Slightly startled, I turn to look at her.  It's almost  like looking in a mirror.  I haven't changed much since I was seventeen, at least not how I look.

We chat for bit as we look out at ocean and watch the beach goers who pass by.  She reminds me of the fresh heart ache of breaking up with Noah. The insecurity of not feeling as smart as everyone else in my AP classes. The hope of what God did in my heart while I was in Mexico for the fourth time.

I have so much I want to let her in on.  Of the laughter and silliness she loves and will continue to love.  Of Justin Beiber, Twilight, and High School Musical.  Of friends that I adore, don't understand, and cherish, all at the same time. Of kindred spirits and those I never really get to know and yet always feel compelled to pray for.  I also share with her the adventures I have in my heart.  Of mystery and wonder and world change. The ones I'm too scared to share with anyone else.  The fear of failure that keeps me where I'm comfortable, where I know hows to succeed.

"Do you remember how joyful you used to be?" she asks me softly.  She has a way of doing this, of asking the hardest questions in a truly humble, honest manner. It catches me off guard; we weren't even talking about joy.

"Sure.  I guess.  I mean, I remember the laughter, the way nothing ever really seemed to phase me.  I'm still that way."  I say defensively.  I'm still joyful.  I still know that the Lord is my joy, my salvation.

"It's true. You don't let things phase you, and you still laugh a lot. I can't wait to meet some these friends you keep talking about.  But it's not always joyful anymore.  You just seem so different know.  Distant, like you aren't really taking anything that other people say as valuable.  And that's why it doesn't phase you."

I sit in utter silence, stunned that she could understand so deeply what hasn't even happened to her yet.  I just stare at her.  For what feels like forever.  She's starting to get uncomfortable, I can tell. It's that nervous smile, shift in her seat, look away that I still do.

"And you used to be so giving."   Shock.  Almost anger.  I'm sure it's flashing across my face right now. "No, no.  Not that you aren't giving now. You are definitely still generous.  But it's different. It just seems like you give more out of principle, and not out of," she pauses, searching for the right words, "true desire, I guess. It's like you help because you should, not always because you want to."

How could this seventeen year old me know so much more than I do? Aren't I her? But six years better? I don't know quite how to respond to any of this. And she can tell I need time to process.  We've always been one to process later, on our own. She stands up.  "Sorry," she says, knowing that she wants to pray for me, but doesn't yet have the courage to ask such things. I just look up at her, mouth slightly open, trying to form a response.

But there is none.  As she walks away, I turn back to the ocean I've looked at so many times.  How could I have forgotten so much? And then I realize something. It's not that I've forgotten joy or generosity.  I've learned and studied about them for four years now.  I've lost sincerity of practice.  I've become so intent on being joyful and generous that they stopped being real in my life.  And she saw right through it all in one conversation.

I can't unlearn all of the philosophical and theological arguments about why those things are good.  But how do I get back the true desire of heart to be joyful and generous?  How do I have heart and head united in acts of joy and generosity?  I will have to take these things before the cross, before my Jesus who loves me when I don't have it all together and I do things wrongly.  But other than that I don't know.
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If you like this blog be sure to check out seeprestonblog.com, this series publishes every Thursday.

An Enemy Bigger Than My Apathy

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I would've won.

Oh Mumford, your lyrics are so wonderful. I was listening to I Gave You All the other day on my way home from work, and was struck by this line.

I think I have a tendency towards apathy. I know, you're shocked, what with my plan to move somewhere around the world to fight poverty. But it's true. Let me explain.

I absolutely love completing things, finishing,being able to say something is done. The evil in the world today, things like poverty, slavery, oppression, you can't really finish fighting them.  We can have major achievements in combating them, but the corruption of the human soul keeps us from ever really being rid of them. My temptation is not to get involved in something so big and awful, something I know I can't defeat.  And to make matters worse, there are so many awful things to think about.  I know a lot of them are connected in many ways, but even if we end poverty, there will still be oppression and slavery. Sure, they might be less, but they won't be gone.

This tendency towards apathy is most definitely a product of the information age. Back in the Downton Abbey days and before, they didn't really know about all this social injustice.  Sure, they saw the occasional poor person, but mass oppression by their government on people in other countries, pretty much unknown.  They were ignorant of so much simply because of the S-L-O-W speed that information traveled at.  With everything at the tips of our fingers, we learn about all the problems.

But really, all of these awful things in the world are HUGE!  Is our apathy really so great that such horrendous evil doesn't even move us to action.   I guess the real kicker is that these enemies very rarely affect us directly.  We can live our lives without having to think about the way other people live and the oppression or corruption that helped put them there.  So really, maybe, our enemy is just our selfishness, the me-centered life we celebrate here in the West.

I know so many things I do in my life are about making myself more comfortable.  Making things easier for myself. Most of the time I don't help homeless people simply because I don't like talking to strangers (Ask any of my friends, I don't like strangers, no matter who they are.  Even though I argue with them and just say that my mother taught me well.)  And I don't get involved in rallies and movements because they inconvenience my life, take me out of my routine. (Seriously though, I love my routine, its what gets me through most days.  Again, the friends can vouch for this.)  I'm so unwilling to make myself uncomfortable in the little ways, even for the sake of another, even to combat or raise awareness for things like poverty and trafficking.  Like so many in my generation, I want to feel like clicking a button is enough.  Don't get me wrong, clicking a button is still a good and helpful thing.  But are all those clicks really going to get much done?  Maybe it's time we start realizing the necessity of being uncomfortable sometimes.

What do you think causes our apathy??

Trumpet Sound {matul}

So, as much as putting this out there scares the begeeses out of me, I really need to do it.

It is looking more and more like my heart wants me to go to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

I know what you are thinking.  You are all taking note so that if it ends up I'm wrong, and this isn't where God sends me, you'll be able to judge me.
     Okay, so maybe that's not what you're thinking.  But it's what I'm terrified you'll think.  As my wonderfully wise friend Lauren reminded me on Monday, it's not what anyone who loves me would think.  If I end up going somewhere else, you will all, likely, be overjoyed that I heard from God and am willing to go somewhere I hadn't anticipated.

But, back to Rio.  I know you are probably wondering why.  There really isn't a good answer.  But it's the location that simply won't go away.  For a long time I've been cycling through the different program sites, imagining (probably horribly inaccurately) what it would be like to move to each city.  I'd daydream for a week and then move on, forgetting about each city when I'd move to the next.  Rio is the one that won't go away.  That I can't forget.  I'm thinking it might be God prompting my heart.  But I don't know.  There haven't been any trumpets or signs or writing in the sky like I keep hoping for.  So this is what I'm going with.  For now.

What I really want, what I desperately need is for you all to pray with me on this.  I want so desperately to be where God is calling me, that I'm becoming fearful of making a choice.  I don't want fear to paralyze me.  But I also don't want to find my security in "I don't know where I'm going" each time someone asks where I'm headed come January.

So I'm asking you to pray.  Pray that I continue to be open to the Spirit's leading.  Pray that God is preparing me for the work he has already prepared for me to do.  Pray for Rio de Janeiro, that the people of God there would seek after him more, would prioritize making his name known in their city.

Finally, I can't think about going to Brazil without thinking about so many people from my church back home in Maui. There is a thriving community of Brazillians in Maui.  Those I know are AMAZING people who love God so much.  Then there is the fact that my church back home has sent so many teams to Southern Brazil, ministering alongside the local churches in Estrella. Also, Christen, who spent almost 3 years there and loves that country more than a lot things.  And finally, my friend Vini, who is from Brazil, lives there now, and loves Jesus so much.  For those of you who already love the country, thank you! Pray with me and for me as I attempt to be faithful to what God has placed before me.

(Here are some maps to help you get a sense of location.  They starts out general and gets more specific.)