Today I take part in this exploration, and remind myself of a few things I seem to have forgotten.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I'm visiting my parents, back home for a month before I start the life after college. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even know if I'll have a job when I go back to LA. But here I am, sitting on my favorite beach in my favorite place, trying desperately to think of nothing other than the sound of the crashing waves.
I barely even notice her as she walks up and sits beside me. Slightly startled, I turn to look at her. It's almost like looking in a mirror. I haven't changed much since I was seventeen, at least not how I look.
We chat for bit as we look out at ocean and watch the beach goers who pass by. She reminds me of the fresh heart ache of breaking up with Noah. The insecurity of not feeling as smart as everyone else in my AP classes. The hope of what God did in my heart while I was in Mexico for the fourth time.
I have so much I want to let her in on. Of the laughter and silliness she loves and will continue to love. Of Justin Beiber, Twilight, and High School Musical. Of friends that I adore, don't understand, and cherish, all at the same time. Of kindred spirits and those I never really get to know and yet always feel compelled to pray for. I also share with her the adventures I have in my heart. Of mystery and wonder and world change. The ones I'm too scared to share with anyone else. The fear of failure that keeps me where I'm comfortable, where I know hows to succeed.
"Do you remember how joyful you used to be?" she asks me softly. She has a way of doing this, of asking the hardest questions in a truly humble, honest manner. It catches me off guard; we weren't even talking about joy.
"Sure. I guess. I mean, I remember the laughter, the way nothing ever really seemed to phase me. I'm still that way." I say defensively. I'm still joyful. I still know that the Lord is my joy, my salvation.
"It's true. You don't let things phase you, and you still laugh a lot. I can't wait to meet some these friends you keep talking about. But it's not always joyful anymore. You just seem so different know. Distant, like you aren't really taking anything that other people say as valuable. And that's why it doesn't phase you."
I sit in utter silence, stunned that she could understand so deeply what hasn't even happened to her yet. I just stare at her. For what feels like forever. She's starting to get uncomfortable, I can tell. It's that nervous smile, shift in her seat, look away that I still do.
"And you used to be so giving." Shock. Almost anger. I'm sure it's flashing across my face right now. "No, no. Not that you aren't giving now. You are definitely still generous. But it's different. It just seems like you give more out of principle, and not out of," she pauses, searching for the right words, "true desire, I guess. It's like you help because you should, not always because you want to."
How could this seventeen year old me know so much more than I do? Aren't I her? But six years better? I don't know quite how to respond to any of this. And she can tell I need time to process. We've always been one to process later, on our own. She stands up. "Sorry," she says, knowing that she wants to pray for me, but doesn't yet have the courage to ask such things. I just look up at her, mouth slightly open, trying to form a response.
But there is none. As she walks away, I turn back to the ocean I've looked at so many times. How could I have forgotten so much? And then I realize something. It's not that I've forgotten joy or generosity. I've learned and studied about them for four years now. I've lost sincerity of practice. I've become so intent on being joyful and generous that they stopped being real in my life. And she saw right through it all in one conversation.
I can't unlearn all of the philosophical and theological arguments about why those things are good. But how do I get back the true desire of heart to be joyful and generous? How do I have heart and head united in acts of joy and generosity? I will have to take these things before the cross, before my Jesus who loves me when I don't have it all together and I do things wrongly. But other than that I don't know.
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i love this! love it.
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