the big picture

So, I've been struggling a lot lately with where God has called me.  About a month ago I was in a place that left me feeling completely incapable of helping the urban poor. I have no practical skills to help people in poverty.  None.  And that really unsettled me. I wanted to go abroad knowing that I had something tangible to offer.  But I don't.  I was afraid of failing to help the urban poor.  After several weeks of wrestling with God, I realized what I do have to offer....Jesus. Duh.  That is more valuable than anything else I could possibly bring to the fight to establish kingdom shalom among the urban poor.

As soon as I got that figured out, I got hit with another train wreck. You see this past year has been one of new friendships that have brought me true community.  I've gotten really connected my church body, and I've realized how much I love them all.  I thought to myself, "Why do want to leave a place that already fulfills you and brings you life?"  I've been struggling with this for a few weeks now. And then I figured out what was really going on inside me.  I was afraid of being alone. Of losing all the intimate relationships I'd formed.  Of not having people around me who I trusted with the deepest things in my heart, and who knew exactly how to encourage me. I was afraid of only having Jesus to be intimate with. But again...God has spoken to me in the midst of my fear. He has said, over and over again, "Be with me."  Just be.  To come to him and just sit in his presence, without an agenda, not looking for answers, but simply to delight in his presence. To have that be enough.

A couple months ago I heard a phrase that kind of characterizes this process I've been going through.

You can't steer a ship that's not moving.

Two months ago, before I was accepted to this Master's program, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these were things I was afraid of. I thought I had dealt with them years ago, had them all figured out and wrapped up in pretty packages.  But once I really started moving towards what God had laid out before me, I realized just how incapable and afraid I am; how much this plan isn't about or because of me...but entirely about and because of who God is. 

the picture that is bigger than my fears is God and his plan. I'm just a minuscule part of how he's accomplishing his plan.