Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I keep this thing around.  I only seem to write when I don't have ANYTHING else going on.  When I look through my past post I realize that writing here seems to be my way of processing in times of transition, when I can't seem to find any purpose in what I'm doing with my life.  But as soon as I remember....well....buh-bye blogging.

That seems to be my pattern.  If I'm honest with you, that's why I'm returning now.  I'm restless and discontent with the status of my life, here and now.  I'm ready for the future.  Why can't it be now?  I know it's because God has bigger things planned for me that I'm not quite ready, that he is still preparing me for.

I'm going to try to find a way to write more consistently.  I know I probably have the equivalent of three readers (if I don't post this on fb).  So, not many will be impacted by my decision to write more.  But from what I can tell, writing is good for me. You know how some people are verbal processors, and others are all in their own heads.  Well, I think I need to write.  But I don't necessarily need anyone to listen.  In fact, I often don't want opinions.  It's the process of making my thoughts into something cohesive that I benefit from.

The question I ask myself then is, Why do you share them?  Wouldn't you be just as satisfied by keeping a journal that you keep to yourself?  And I suppose I might be; I've never really tried it.  But something tells me that it wouldn't be the same, that I wouldn't feel the need to be cohesive or truthful.  That somehow, the privacy that gives me would actually allow myself to continue in my bubble of safety instead of making me brutally honest with myself.  Here I know that those that read (which, again, isn't many...probably from my lack of consistency) will call me out when I'm lying to myself.  I need to know that someone else, even if it's just one person, will read what I write.  It's like a virtual accountability partner.  :)

This is why I write, why I share my musings, however few and far between they might be, with the rest of the world.  To keep myself honest in my thinking and processing of life.

Halloween

I know I'm a day late on this one...but I figured I'd let everyone get the Halloween out of their system before I voiced my opinions.

I hate Halloween.  I legitimately wish that it didn't exist.  For one, I just don't get the point of dressing up.  I don't ever enjoy that.  Two,  I don't really like candy.  Three, I don't think our society needs another reason to act like sluts and get drunk off their asses.  I just don't.

And then there is my general dislike for most holidays that comes from the fact that we don't actually celebrate anything other than ourselves most of the time.  I used to think we didn't set them apart as holy for worship or remembrance   But then I realized we do.  We set them apart to celebrate ourselves and "have fun".

I just don't think there is any valid reason for us to celebrate Halloween how we do.

But, perhaps there is a way to truly honor this holiday.  I follow a blog written by a funeral home director.  I started reading it this summer and find that it gives me a different, and needed, perspective on life.  He's doing a three day series on how many others in the world celebrate this holiday.  I read this post today.  In churches around the world they are taking the time to remember those in their lives who have died.  In remembering they are celebrating their lives and all that they brought to the world around them.  He challenged his readers to remember those in their lives who they've lost.  So today I will remember my Grandma Max.  She hasn't been gone long (she passed this May), but I miss her

This is Grandma on her first day as a resident of Maui. She moved there to live with my parents shortly before she passed.  She was so excited to live there!  Her favorite Christmas gift from my sister or I was a sunset calendar.  

Grandma loved to travel.  I'm pretty sure she's the reason I always knew there was more in the world than where I was from.  When I was little she traveled all over the world.  Africa, Israel, Russia, and so many other places I can't name them all.  My passion for the world started with her.  Thank you Grandma for introducing me to the world.  I don't know where I'd be today without that.  

She also loved to laugh and have a good time.  Whenever we would visit her we'd always play games.  And she could laugh at almost anything, including herself.  Thank you Grandma, for teaching me how to laugh at all times, because life is just too short to take so seriously. 

more than

(So it's been about a month since my last post.  More things have happened than I know what to do with.  Instead of explaining them all, I'm simply going to write this post as though you haven't missed a beat with what's going on in my life.  It's easier for me that way.) 

Friday was payday in my office.  Well, it was for everyone but me.  Somehow, payroll didn't get my time card. So, the first paycheck I was supposed to get since starting this job didn't come when it was supposed to.   It's been two months since I last received a paycheck.  Things are getting a little tight, to put it lightly.  

Do you want to know the most ridiculous part of this whole thing?  I asked for it. 

Back in the beginning of September I asked God to change me.  My prayer went something like this

God, I want to be more like you.  Use this upcoming year as a time of preparation to make me into the person you have created me to be.  Do whatever you have to.  long pause.  Even if it hurts.  I want to be ready, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, for the path you have me on in this next year. 

Guess what's happened to me since I asked God to do that.  

• My car broke down....like died, died, died.
• My computer crashed. 
• I lost my phone for a period of time. 
• I owe four people a total of more than $500.
• AND, I didn't get my paycheck.  

Why did I ever think it was a good idea to ask God for such a thing?  What was I thinking?  That is exactly the kind of prayer he is just WAITING for us to pray because he wants so desperately to do those kinds of things in us.  

For those of you who don't know what I need preparing for...here is the short version of my life plan for the next few years:

I want to go to a developing country and draw my livelihood from whatever community I am a part of.  The way I'm planning on  doing this is to teach English, a task which I am currently being certified for.  I will bring God with me because I love him so much that I can't help but make him a part of my life.    

Basically, this is what I figure God is telling me:  The people of the community you are going to be a part of live a different life than you currently do.  They live in a way you've never had to and can't really even begin to understand.  They don't have the ease and privilege of owning a car or a computer, let alone the ability to be choosy about which brand of those things they have.  Most, if not all, live inconsistent paycheck to inconsistent paycheck.  They probably owe someone money and can't afford to buy things because they want them.  They struggle to even buy the things they need.  Even though you feel like your life is more difficult than it ever has been, you are still among the wealthiest in the world.  You have more than they would ever dream of having.