Mind Overload {matul}

So, it's been awhile again guys.  I know.  Sorry about that.  This new life has been a bit more consuming than I anticipated.  Classes, homework, new friends, old friends, engaging the community.  Its more than full time work.

But I wanted to clue you in a little on what I'm learning and what's going on in my head.

------------------------------

So, we talk an awful lot about the Kingdom of God in our program.  Mostly about how the Kingdom has to with so much more than just the spiritual dimension of our lives (like most American's see it) but has to do with economics, politics, and every aspect of life, personal and civic.  We can't relegate the kingdom just to our souls.  God wants to do so much more in the world than save souls.  He wants to bring abundant life to all in everything!!

It's weird though, because I find that I still use the same vocabulary that I did before, but the words have completely altered definitions now.  While each word still means what it used to mean, it also means SO much more.  Sermons on Sunday's now have a totally different dimension to them.  I feel like I'm finally starting to understand the Bible in it's entirety.

But then sometimes I also wonder if this program is over correcting.  Are we focusing too much on the economic and social justice aspects of the word of God because we have neglected it for so long? I don't know the answer to that.  And we aren't dismissing the spiritual aspects of it; in fact, it's a key element.  But sometimes I feel a little bit crazy, because no one else seems to understand these new definitions (except for my classmates, haha).

-------------------------------------------

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is how I don't have a concise way of explaining why I'm in this program.  Why I'm moving abroad to live among the poor for two years. Really, the only simple way I have of explaining it is that God called me there, so I have to go.  But that doesn't make sense, it doesn't resonate with people. As people ask me about the program, I want to have a way to answer that doesn't feel so rehearsed and like an advertisement for the program.  Not that I don't love it, but whenever I answer it, I just don't feel genuine.  But my authentic answer would probably take an hour, and nobody really wants to listen to me talk for that long.

We've been talking recently about the way that many of the people of the bible were so moved by what they saw that they responded emotionally.  They wept, fasted, wore sackcloth and put ashes on their head.  I'm realizing that nothing has ever moved me so dramatically. My passions rarely flow that deep. While injustice hurts my heart, it doesn't move me to tears.

Part of me wonders if it's me not wanting to make any waves with people.  I don't want to offend their understanding of the world, so I don't proclaim God's truth with any sort of authority.  I generally try to understand the point of view that everyone is coming from. But at what point, I wonder, does that become a problem?

--------------------------------

We talk A LOT about fundraising.  Or, at least it feels like we talk about it a lot. And it's a good thing we do.  Because my temptation is to just pay for everything with loans and not let anyone help me, not even God.  But that's not what God has asked me to do.  Having decided on going to Brazil, that means living expenses will be more than I had anticipated.  Which means, if I'm really doing this fundraising thing, I have to raise more money.  

But more importantly, I have to garner prayer supporters. I know this sounds weird.  Of course people will pray for you.  See, though, I still seem to have this issue with asking people to care about me.  I haven't quite figured out the root of it (let's be honest, it's some combination of not trusting God to raise a support around me and feelings of worthlessnes mixed together....I just don't want to admit it), but I'm working on naming the issue so I can deal with it head on. But I've had some pretty fun ideas that I just have to do something about.  It's that doing part that I often seem to have trouble with. 

-----------------------------------------------

Next week is the official middle of the semester.  It's crazy how fast this is all going by.  But I finally feel like I'm doing something.  My mind has transitioned from wanting clarity about all the little details to feeling ready to get started on some of the bigger projects.  The project that involves working with a local church has finally started to take off and become something.  Most of the time I would rather be doing research on Brazil than any other kind of homework.  

But I've realized that my personal excitement about these things has caused me to pray about them less.  Which is super no bueno.  But at least I realize that, so I can attempt to be more intentional about praying more often. 

Sorry for the crazy fast update, but there was just too much going on in my head that I wanted to share. 

----------------------

Have you signed up to get my newsletter yet? Because you should. You can either send me your email address or fill out the form that's linked in my "Support" tab.

The Hollywood Life

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. So much has happened! Classes started, glimpses of rhythm have appeared in my new life, new friends have been made, hikes have been ventured.  It's been fun.  But I'm not going to share any of those things with you tonight.  I'm going to give you a glimpse into the absurdity of what happens when you live in Hollywood and are studying Transformational Urban Leadership.

Story 1 - Confirmation:
Sundays can often be very long days for me when I am serving.  I do set up before first service.  Help out at the info tent during second service.  And finally actually attend third service.  The break during second and third is longer, and I had some time where I was planning on doing some reading for school.  Oh, but that wasn't going to happen. I made a new friend at church while I was sitting at the info tent.  His name is Benjamin, and he is from the Congo (cool points: 1).  He is studying to go to law school.  He came over to where I was sitting and asked what I was doing.  When I told him I was doing homework, we got to discussing what I was in school for.  After telling him it was in missions/development work among the urban poor, he had SO many stories and words of wisdom.  I found out that he has worked for World Vision and the UNHCR (UN program that addresses the needs of refugees) in both Kenya and Mozambique (cool points: 5).  His work was primarily as a translator because he knows Swahili, English, Portuguese, and French (cool points: 9).  The gist of his stories and wisdom is this: any development work that happens, the ideas must come from the people, they cannot be imposed on them (cool points: 15). It's like he'd already taken all the classes I'm taking! This is one of the huge major points the want us to get through our heads. 

Story 2 - Coincidence:

I went to an improve show late Sunday night with some friends from church.  It was really funny.  But that's beside the point.  Shortly after getting to our seats, the girl behind me taps me on my shoulder and asks, "Are you Kimberly Farnham?" Totally freaked out, I did not respond with all the various things going through my head, like, "Are you psychic?" "How in the world do you know my name?" , or " That's weird.  Are you a stalker?".  Instead I just said yes and asked who she was.  Turns out she is one of my sister's friends from elementary/jr.high/high school.  Her brother, who also happened to be sitting right next to her, was in my fifth grade class...IN HAWAII!  Talk about small world. Crazy the things that happen and the people you run into. 

Story 3 - Crazy:

Took the metro into Pasadena on Monday night for community group. It's a normal in my life; I really like the train. Shortly after getting off, a nice guys asks us if we are going to the "thing" on El Malino.  (Never got more than that much info from him.)  We weren't, so we said no.  He asked us if we were sure, and we were.  We crossed the street and continued on our way.  Later that evening, after getting off the train in Hollywood, we cross paths with this same guy! In Hollywood, on the same night! He totally recognizes us and we stop to chat.  We couldn't quite figure this guy out.  He said he was representing his buddy (who was on the phone) as a voice over actor and they'd just finished a seminar. So crazy. 

These are just a few of things that happen when you live in Hollywood. 

Conversations With Ourselves

Conversations with Ourselves is a series of posts on Preston Yancey's blog in which the author addresses the Past Self through the Present or vice versa (or sometimes totally not this, but something equally cool) concerning matters of Faith, specifically. 

Today I take part in this exploration, and remind myself of a few things I seem to have forgotten.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm visiting my parents, back home for a month before I start the life after college. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even know if I'll have a job when I go back to LA.  But here I am, sitting on my favorite beach in my favorite place, trying desperately to think of nothing other than the sound of the crashing waves.

I barely even notice her as she walks up and sits beside me. Slightly startled, I turn to look at her.  It's almost  like looking in a mirror.  I haven't changed much since I was seventeen, at least not how I look.

We chat for bit as we look out at ocean and watch the beach goers who pass by.  She reminds me of the fresh heart ache of breaking up with Noah. The insecurity of not feeling as smart as everyone else in my AP classes. The hope of what God did in my heart while I was in Mexico for the fourth time.

I have so much I want to let her in on.  Of the laughter and silliness she loves and will continue to love.  Of Justin Beiber, Twilight, and High School Musical.  Of friends that I adore, don't understand, and cherish, all at the same time. Of kindred spirits and those I never really get to know and yet always feel compelled to pray for.  I also share with her the adventures I have in my heart.  Of mystery and wonder and world change. The ones I'm too scared to share with anyone else.  The fear of failure that keeps me where I'm comfortable, where I know hows to succeed.

"Do you remember how joyful you used to be?" she asks me softly.  She has a way of doing this, of asking the hardest questions in a truly humble, honest manner. It catches me off guard; we weren't even talking about joy.

"Sure.  I guess.  I mean, I remember the laughter, the way nothing ever really seemed to phase me.  I'm still that way."  I say defensively.  I'm still joyful.  I still know that the Lord is my joy, my salvation.

"It's true. You don't let things phase you, and you still laugh a lot. I can't wait to meet some these friends you keep talking about.  But it's not always joyful anymore.  You just seem so different know.  Distant, like you aren't really taking anything that other people say as valuable.  And that's why it doesn't phase you."

I sit in utter silence, stunned that she could understand so deeply what hasn't even happened to her yet.  I just stare at her.  For what feels like forever.  She's starting to get uncomfortable, I can tell. It's that nervous smile, shift in her seat, look away that I still do.

"And you used to be so giving."   Shock.  Almost anger.  I'm sure it's flashing across my face right now. "No, no.  Not that you aren't giving now. You are definitely still generous.  But it's different. It just seems like you give more out of principle, and not out of," she pauses, searching for the right words, "true desire, I guess. It's like you help because you should, not always because you want to."

How could this seventeen year old me know so much more than I do? Aren't I her? But six years better? I don't know quite how to respond to any of this. And she can tell I need time to process.  We've always been one to process later, on our own. She stands up.  "Sorry," she says, knowing that she wants to pray for me, but doesn't yet have the courage to ask such things. I just look up at her, mouth slightly open, trying to form a response.

But there is none.  As she walks away, I turn back to the ocean I've looked at so many times.  How could I have forgotten so much? And then I realize something. It's not that I've forgotten joy or generosity.  I've learned and studied about them for four years now.  I've lost sincerity of practice.  I've become so intent on being joyful and generous that they stopped being real in my life.  And she saw right through it all in one conversation.

I can't unlearn all of the philosophical and theological arguments about why those things are good.  But how do I get back the true desire of heart to be joyful and generous?  How do I have heart and head united in acts of joy and generosity?  I will have to take these things before the cross, before my Jesus who loves me when I don't have it all together and I do things wrongly.  But other than that I don't know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you like this blog be sure to check out seeprestonblog.com, this series publishes every Thursday.