THANK YOU!

I don't know how many of you know, but I worked at APU in the Office of Undergraduate Admissions - Processing as a student worker during my junior and senior years of college and as a temporary worker for a year after I graduated. It was an amazing place to work. I learned so much for the people I worked with about grace, prayer, and love (tough love, sometimes) and really just about doing life well.

(I'm sure they probably all hate me for
putting this picture on the internet.)

Though I haven't worked there for a good six months now, I went by the office today to say one last goodbye before heading off to Brazil. They knew I was coming and had planned a little surprise for me. You see, they find any occasion to have a party, and I was a perfect excuse. They'd set up a table with little servings of tropical trail mix, made a tower of disposable champagne glasses (that we used for sparkling cider, of course), and made a sign post with the miles to different places. Little did they know it was too all of the placed I'd been in the past month. It perfectly summed up the period of waiting that I wrapping up. 

Kihei, HI 2,522 miles       Rio de Janeiro, Brazil 6,293 miles

Los Angeles, CA 20 miles         San Diego, CA 107 miles

San Fransisco, CA 356 miles      Pomona, CA 10 miles

It was perfect, and they had no idea they did it. 

But, as if all this wasn't enough already, they'd written me 22 cards (a combined effort) and put dates on each of them. They chose dates, some at random and some with meaning, spread through out the next year and a half while I am in Brazil. It is the gift that literally keeps on giving. And to top it all off, as an office they have committed to supporting me financially on a monthly basis. 

Suffice it to say, I was overwhelmed by their generosity and love. 

Because I know they'll ready this, thank you all! Gina, Laura, Brenda, Kristin, Elaine, Lynnette, Jeanette, Deb, John, Pam, and Lynette. I am beyond blessed to have you all care for me so deeply. I love you all!

LOVE {matul}

I saw this on tumblr today.

LOVE

Other people my age: 

Me:

I laughed hysterically. Because, well, first of all, I have zero romantic relationship in my life right now. Like, not even a hint of one. But also because I love hummus.

But I also recently realized how much I love something else in my life. I have a love affair with Brazil, and I haven't even been there yet.

I'm leaving for Brazil in six days (what?!) and I am so excited! Three days ago I received a call from the Brazilian Consulate in LA saying that my visa was approved and I could pick it up at the Consulate any week day between 10 am and noon. (I'm going tomorrow, btw. Just in case you were curious.)  When I found out, I could barely keep it together on the phone. When I got off the phone I squealed. And jumped up and down. And really just didn't know what to do with myself.

I ran out of my room and told my grandparents. Then I called my parents. Then my teammate who is going with me. Then my sister. Then my best friend. And then I realized something. I was acting like I'd just gotten engaged. And I felt a little silly. So I stopped calling people and put it on Facebook and sent our an email to my supporters.

After a few days a feeling ridiculous, though, I've come to yet another realization. When someone gets engaged, it is literally the most exciting thing! They are committing themselves to someone they love deeply. They are making choices to do life a certain way. How they do life and make decisions will change forever, because it is not inextricably linked to another person.

Moving to Brazil is doing the same thing to my life. I'm committing myself to change how I live in drastic ways. I will no longer make decisions based on circumstances and worldviews that I've taken for granted (those that come with being a white, middle-class American). I will now, forever and always, be inextricably linked to the urban poor. That commitment will change how I make decisions, what I do with my time and money, and what I value.

So it's okay that I was acting like I got engaged, because this is my equivalent.

The Size of our Prayers

I've been living with my grandparents for the last few weeks as I await my visa to Brazil. One thing I've noticed about her is that she prays about EVERYTHING! It's so amazing! The littlest things get her attention in prayer. I worked with another woman who was like that. She and her husband prayed together everyday. They keep all the Christmas cards they get, and every day they'll pull a card from the basket and pray for the people who sent it to them. So intentionally organized, my favorite. These women inspire me to pray about the little things. The way I spend my time each day. The way I interact with people on the metro. Anything and Everything. 

You see, I tend to pray big prayers. I ask God to use me like he used Paul or Moses or John. When I pray for others, I pray about the big issues I know they have. I long for their healing from emotional abuse. I desire that they truly find all of their identity in God. I don't pray about the job she hates, I just want her to find satisfaction in God.

I think we need both sizes of prayer. I should get better at the small ones. 

What size are your prayers. 

Exposing Fear and Desire - Genesis 4

About a week ago I was reading Genesis 4. I had the same issues with it that I've had for the last several years. The question I invariably ask about this passage is "How was Cain supposed to know that his sacrifice wasn't going to be acceptable to God?" I've heard several pastors and professors explain why Cain would have known.
God would have told Adam and he would have, in turn, taught his children Cain and Abel.
God was known so much more intimately at that point, they would have known.
Well, we don't know exactly how they would have know, but we know that God is just. Judging without informing would not be just, so they must have somehow known. 

I hate all of these reasons. None of them even come close to assuaging my (or maybe all of ours) fear that we are somehow doing it all wrong and God is angry at us and we don't know why, because he simply didn't tell us. Maybe, we think, that's why he hasn't healed my loved one of an incurable disease. That must be why, we think, we still can't find our "calling" in life, why the neon sign hasn't shown up for us when all our friends seem to see theirs.

Perhaps though, this all just exposes a deeper desire, a unacknowledged part of our worldview.  We want to understand God.  And we don't want to have to trust him. If there had been just a couple verses about how he told Adam what kinds of sacrifices were acceptable, then no one would question this. We want to use our own minds to conclude that God was, in fact, just. Which is ridiculous idea when you really think about it because God is the supreme judge. So even if we disagreed with the judgement, we'd still be wrong.

But I digress. We don't really want to trust God, because we are afraid of it. It feels far to uncertain. We want him to fit into the box we've constructed for him. And in some ways he does. He reveals himself to us in the ways we will recognize. In the West we want to reason our way from A to B to C to D of God's movement and choices and evaluate each of them against our standards for how we think God should work. If something doesn't fit our understanding of God, then it must not have been God. But then I come across passages like Genesis 4, and I can't argue that clearly God does this. But it doesn't fit my expectations of God.

How often do we really stop to consider that maybe we don't completely understand who God is and how he moves? What about speaking in tongues? And supernatural healing? And women in ministry? And what about evil in the world? Where is God in the awful moments like rape and murder?
          No matter how much I read from theologians and pastors and the Christian community, nothing ever fully answers these questions.

I think it's good to try to answer them, to examine the bible in order to understand who God is and how he moves. But we must never hold so closely to our understanding of God that we don't accept the way he is revealing himself to us now, the way that he wants to speak to your heart, to my heart.